Bridge over troubled water….June 29th 2012

If you play bridge you will have never seen a sequence like the one that follows, but then this is the version of the game played with your money, but without your “bidding”. For those of you who don’t play just assume that the rules of the game have been made up as you go along and any transgressions are dealt with in inverse relationship to your alleged standing in the politico banking community and you’ll get the hang of it pretty quickly.

 Dealer is West (the Cartel – the Fed and the banks) with North/South (you and me) vulnerable but not as vulnerable as East (the dude in the White House who has an election to win).

 North opens one Heart – a very weak call because North (you) has little heart to play in a market run by the heartless bastards who are the Cartel (West).

 East responds with a “natural” opening of one Spade. This merely indicates that the dude has been digging a hole for himself with it ever since he was elected.

 South (me) passes because I know I am in a rigged game I can’t win.

 West – the cartel – opens with two diamonds. Somewhat ambitious as they only have one Diamond and his ability to finesse another trick looks increasingly doubtful despite his likely attempt to use the Murdoch convention of forgetting what he has in his hand when asked to follow suit.

 North responds with two spades in an attempt to dig up some more dirt on East ahead of the election. East counters with three clubs to show he is not taking any more stick.

 South passes again he is punch drunk.

 West raises the ante with 4 no trumps. The Fed realises that East will get nowhere in spades and that the economy will need a bailout to ensure that he gets re-elected.

 North doubles – this is a ponzi scheme you say under your breath.

 East redoubles – “No it’s not, it will work” says the Pres. (unlike an increasing number of Americans and most of Southern Europe according to the Fuhrerin)

 South decides that if he is going to get screwed then he might as well try a wrecking bid and comes in with five diamonds although he would have preferred five gold rings which could end up as the currency of choice after this bizarre auction.

 West now goes all in with 7 no trumps (aka QE7) North doubles again – “You don’t know what you are doing!” – and East redoubles – “We know we don’t, but what else can we do?”

 North leads the diamond geezer to South’s ace which is trumped by West’s club. You and me thought we were playing in no trumps but when did a little matter of the rules, the law or the constitution bother West or East?

 The contract with the devil is made and North South being vulnerable are made bankrupt, but are in good company along with the Greeks, the Spanish and the Italians, who at least managed to give the Germans a good kicking in the “Euros”.

 Next week we will try a game of monopoly but I fear the evil empire has that stitched up as well. They have all the paper money, the austerity measures have closed down the community chest, the banks have used all the chance cards and if you refuse to be frisked by Gnomeland Security before passing Go they will send you straight to jail without a trial. They don’t however know where my gold is and, taking another leaf out of Rupert’s book, neither do I!

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