If you play bridge you will have never seen a sequence like the one that follows, but then this is the version of the game played with your money, but without your “bidding”. For those of you who don’t play just assume that the rules of the game have been made up as you go along and any transgressions are dealt with in inverse relationship to your alleged standing in the politico banking community and you’ll get the hang of it pretty quickly.

 Dealer is West (the Cartel – the Fed and the banks) with North/South (you and me) vulnerable but not as vulnerable as East (the dude in the White House who has an election to win).

 North opens one Heart – a very weak call because North (you) has little heart to play in a market run by the heartless bastards who are the Cartel (West).

 East responds with a “natural” opening of one Spade. This merely indicates that the dude has been digging a hole for himself with it ever since he was elected.

 South (me) passes because I know I am in a rigged game I can’t win.

 West – the cartel – opens with two diamonds. Somewhat ambitious as they only have one Diamond and his ability to finesse another trick looks increasingly doubtful despite his likely attempt to use the Murdoch convention of forgetting what he has in his hand when asked to follow suit.

 North responds with two spades in an attempt to dig up some more dirt on East ahead of the election. East counters with three clubs to show he is not taking any more stick.

 South passes again he is punch drunk.

 West raises the ante with 4 no trumps. The Fed realises that East will get nowhere in spades and that the economy will need a bailout to ensure that he gets re-elected.

 North doubles – this is a ponzi scheme you say under your breath.

 East redoubles – “No it’s not, it will work” says the Pres. (unlike an increasing number of Americans and most of Southern Europe according to the Fuhrerin)

 South decides that if he is going to get screwed then he might as well try a wrecking bid and comes in with five diamonds although he would have preferred five gold rings which could end up as the currency of choice after this bizarre auction.

 West now goes all in with 7 no trumps (aka QE7) North doubles again – “You don’t know what you are doing!” – and East redoubles – “We know we don’t, but what else can we do?”

 North leads the diamond geezer to South’s ace which is trumped by West’s club. You and me thought we were playing in no trumps but when did a little matter of the rules, the law or the constitution bother West or East?

 The contract with the devil is made and North South being vulnerable are made bankrupt, but are in good company along with the Greeks, the Spanish and the Italians, who at least managed to give the Germans a good kicking in the “Euros”.

 Next week we will try a game of monopoly but I fear the evil empire has that stitched up as well. They have all the paper money, the austerity measures have closed down the community chest, the banks have used all the chance cards and if you refuse to be frisked by Gnomeland Security before passing Go they will send you straight to jail without a trial. They don’t however know where my gold is and, taking another leaf out of Rupert’s book, neither do I!

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It is all very well giving our politicians, central bankers and assorted economists grief for just sitting around and tuning up for the next violin concerto, rather than putting out the fire that started in Greece and has now spread rapidly to Spain, but can anyone define exactly what sort of fire it is? If you use water to put out an electrical conflagration, at best you will get a nasty shock; at worst it will kill you.

 The aforementioned group are in denial about shocking pain or death. But as the denouement approaches like an unbroken tsunami wave, they realise that the fan originated effluent will be on its way long before their tenure in office is over. There will be no one else to blame but themselves, although Obama may just get lucky as crises have a habit of going on for much longer than you can remain credible to misquote Keynes; something much in vogue these days…

 So despite the headlines and the warnings of Armageddon from every blog site ex CNBC it would be unlikely that a wet weekend in June (they are building an ark down at the Lymington pier…) would actually see the end of the world despite the Bernank failing to oblige with QE3 last week. Remarkably the S&P had its best week of the year, but the announcement after the close that Moodys was looking to cut Spain’s sovereign debt rating (that will almost certainly happen on Monday…) and that Italy would not be far behind must have left anyone playing this rigged casino feeling a little queasy. A state further compounded by the latest estimate of the Spanish bank bail out rising from €40 billion to €100 billion! Nor is it clear how Spain reciprocates as they are not keen on the German straight jacket, never mind the hair shirt, that they would almost certainly end up wearing for this amount of largesse.

 Well you can’t have it both ways, which is what most southern European politicians want. The solution to the vexatious problem seems on the surface to be a binary choice. You either go with full and accountable political and fiscal union, which has been the “hidden” agenda all along, or you admit that the whole idea of a common currency was stillborn from the off and go back to drachmas, pesetas, DMarks et al. Anyone who has ventured within spitting distance of a text book on social anthropology will understand that cultures are a long time in gestation and calling oneself European is very different from actually being European, especially in times of stress (there won’t be many “Europeans” watching the Euro 2012 football), so the first option is an almost impossible ask.

 The alternative is to go back to square one with multiple revalued / devalued currencies and with the EU reverting to being a trading bloc. This has more serious implications for Germany, simply as a result of the law of large numbers, than it does for Greece for example. However with Spain on the verge of a €40/€100 billion back hander it’s a bit late in the day to be arguing about the practicalities. The German constitutional court may well have a problem with an unconstrained bale out, but recent history shows that driving a coach and horses through a constitution and then “making up” legislation to make it “whole” some way down the road, and often beyond the pile of cans put there whilst you made your mind up, becomes a political “necessity”.

 This then is the “third way” and it will be sold to a gullible public on the grounds that it is “in your best interests”; “what else could we do?” The ECB will print; the German constitutional court will be sidelined the Spanish banks will get their money and for a brief, oh so brief, moment the crisis will be over. The ticking clock will then be reset as the centre of the hurricane moves from Madrid to Rome.

 In the midst of this rudderless vacuum can anyone please tell me what is the point of having a Herman van Rompuy? Answers on a postcard please. The winner will receive a signed photo of Nigel Farage. The judge’s decision will be final unless over ruled by the German constitutional court and/or a clause in the NDAA (National Defense Authorisation Act aka the repeal of habeas corpus in the US) we have all missed or I have to post the photo as collateral with the ECB to qualify for a loan to pay the gas bill…

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“Jubbly”, in its original form, was not an abbreviation of “Jubilee” but a triangular shaped orange drink; a Tetra Pak forerunner if you will, often consumed frozen, in the 50s and 60s, and no doubt a favourite of Prince Charles, a contemporary of mine, both of us being born in 1948. He may well have been the instigator of the phrase “Lovely Jubbly” but urban myth has it that Del Boy of “Only Fools and Horses” fame beat him to it. – Rodney: “‘Ere Del, geezer over there says he’ll give you a pony (£25) for the Betamax video recorder if you throw in a case of that Yugoslavian Scotch.” Del Boy: “Lovely Jubbly!”

 In 1952, the year of our esteemed monarch’s coronation, banks only cashed cheques and if your father had been to school with the manager you stood a very slim chance of being allowed to open an account, but heaven help you if you went one single old penny (1d) overdrawn. When I was first granted this accolade, in nineteen-sixty something, I was given my first cheque book, which contained 30 cheques. On each one a stamp duty levy of 1d was made so the first item on my very first bank statement was an overdrawn balance of 2s&6d (12 old pennies to a shilling (1s). My children have never understood why we went through the nonsense of Lsd (pounds (L), shillings (s) and pence (d), and there will be a number of “overseas” readers who will find the rules of cricket far less daunting than our monetary peccadilloes…) nor for that matter how we survived our formative years sans Facebook and iPads; although the other LSD may have had something to do with that…) My account has been overdrawn ever since so any blame for the ravages of fractional reserve banking cannot be laid at my door.

 In 1957 the Treaty of Rome ushered in the European Economic Community. Britain was not a party as De Gaulle was not convinced about our political will for full European integration (he was right of course!) and probably equally important to him that the common language of the European Union would not become English. (He no doubt does a full twist and summersault in his grave when Nigel Farage gets up to speak in Brussels.)

 It was not until 1973 that Ted Heath, the Queen’s fifth Prime Minister, took the UK into the Community after 4 years of bargaining over the interests of our Commonwealth which in the end came off second best to the Common Agricultural policy…still very much a bone of contention between France and anyone else who dares to hint of criticism. Harold Wilson, who both preceded and succeeded Heath, the only PM to have two separate spells at No 10 under our current monarch, declared in Labour’s election manifesto in October 1974 that he would renegotiate the terms of entry and hold a referendum to allow the voters to have their say on continued membership. The renegotiations in Dublin were, like the original negotiations under Heath, something of a fudge, but then the electorate were going to vote on them so it was “their problem”! And vote they did – 67% in favour on a 65% turnout – that’s very nearly a “proper” majority – well let’s just say that 44% of the population took a gamble which seemed like a good idea at the time.

 When the “Blessed Margaret” replaced Jim Callaghan in 1979, De Gaulle’s worst fears were confirmed and her “reign” was marked with a constant battle with the EU over Treaty terms; a baton she passed to John Major. In 1992 sterling left (was forced out of) the European Monetary union, a fore runner to the euro proper whose introduction was signalled in the Treaty of Maastricht signed in 1993. At those negotiations the word “Economic” was dropped from the EEC, the new body being simply called the European Community. All traces of economics were also surgically removed from the processes that resulted in the birth of the euro in 1999. The Maastricht euro convergence criteria, which included the budget deficit to GDP restriction of 3% and the ratio of debt to GDP cap at 60%, were blatantly “manipulated” by the Greeks, the Irish, the Portuguese, the Spanish and the Italians, amongst others, with allegedly “unforeseen” consequences.

 So as we wait with bated breath for the abdication….of the euro… our Queen’s image is still on our currency and long may it “reign” so. Lovely Jubbly Your Majesty!

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